Title: Other side of darkness ? one hitter
Author: claudys
Characters: story teller and one football player
Disclaimer: This is all my imagination and has nothing to do with reality
Authorīs notes: At first, I had no idea where to post this fic, but since it is not about any specific footballer, I decided to post it in non-football fiction section. In it, we follow few hours in life of a girl who decided to kill herself ? but she discovered she was not alone in that attempt. Like in most of my fics, you wonīt get the whole picture so you will have to imagine a lot of stuff alone. I did not reveal who he is so you can imagine any footballer you want in his place. It would be interesting to hear your opinion. But I think he is less important factor of this story ? it is all about her and things she is going through. Hope you like it.
OTHER SIDE OF DARKNESS
They say life flies in front of you in the moment you die. I was always wondering what that moment would be like. Would it be filled with emotions, would feelings flush you like hurricane or would you feel just numb? Would it be like in the movies ? moment of truth about you and your life?
Would I feel fear, would I tremble or would I try to find something that would give me strength for the other world?
I didnīt know. I was walking slowly as my footsteps were making echo. I didnīt know why or how but somewhere in the middle I decided to stop. It was random choice ? that place was no different or more special to me than any other on the bridge.
It was dark. So dark I couldnīt see a thing. But I knew river was down there ? floating peacefully as always I could feel its inner life; coherent, stable and eternal.
Bridge I was walking on was architectural miracle. Spreading across almost 15 miles waste river, it linked two shores in amazing arch. Itīs foundations were deeply buried under the dark water.
Funny ? I thought ? how I remembered that. But it was actually natural in a way. I spent most of my life on that bridge. Last few years I practically lived on it. I knew everything about it. Itīs parts, itīs construction, itīs soul.
Lately, it was something I was closest to, something that was bringing me peace and made me forget everything else. Something that was keeping me on surface. After all, its construction was my final essay for getting degree in architecture.
Irony ? you may say ? that you pick that place to end it all. But I assure you, there was no irony in my choice. I simply considered it would be easier for me to do it somewhere where I feel comfortable and safe. You canīt blame me for that.
Itīs hard to describe the moment when you decide to die. I donīt think I even remember it. It should be something terrible ? to consciously decide to end your life. But I couldnīt remember when I made that decision. I knew I did, though.
I climbed on the outer side of the fence . Holding myself with arms, I slowly put my feet on the edge. I heard rumor of the river underneath. It filled air with freshness.
I was thinking what coward I was. If I had any courage at all, I would never throw myself from the bridge in the middle of the night. In the dark. When you donīt see where you are falling, when you donīt feel that fear of the splash that is going to happen. So, I was a coward. But that wasnīt my worst flaw.
As I was waiting for that moment to come, for that one moment when my mind and body would finally be ready, I was listening to the noise of traffic on the bridge road upon me. Even in this time of the night cars were passing by. People were going somewhere ? it was completely irrelevant for me where, but thought that someone has reason for driving, for living in this world was making me peacefull. There were those who found this life worth living. Thank God.
I started to count cars ? like I was counting sheep when I couldnīt fall asleep. I always thought it was stupid but it was actually working. It worked this time too. I started to feel relaxed and my muscles werenīt so tight anymore. My mind started to wander. I was letting myself go when I felt trembling beyond my feet. Metal fence I was standing on was shaking. I was not alone.
He was standing maybe 10 ft. from me. Staring in the wast darkness that spread beneath us, I think he didnīt noticed me at all. I recognized him right away. How couldnīt I? He was probably one of the most famous athletes in the world. To be honest, I never thought about him a lot. For me, he was just another filthy rich, arrogant footie star.
But now, he looked differently than in all magazines I used to see him. Dressed in jeans and t-shirt, he looked like boy next door. Like any regular guy of his age. I have to admit he spoiled my plans.
?- So, they are not overreacting, you really are everywhere? ? I said just to say something. Besides, he was in all the media all the time. He slowly turned his view. I couldnīt see his face properly, but I could have swore he was pale as a wall.
?- They? ...yeah, they...but they are everywhere too.? he replied. I couldnīt say he was surprised with discovery that he is not alone. I think he couldnīt care less.
?-I hope they are not here now.? ? I answered ? ?I wanna do this thing alone.?
?- I guess I spoiled your plans then, ha?? he almost laugh. I thought he was reading my mind. But there was something harsh in his voice, and that was telling me he was pretty nervous. As I was too.
?-Why are you here?? I asked without answering his question. He laughed out loud. I realized what stupidity came out of my mouth. Answer was obvious. I laughed too.
?-I didnīt think I would laugh tonight? he said.
?-Yeah, well me neither. People donīt laugh when they decide to comite suicide.?
?-Except if they are maniacs?
?-Then there is two of us? I replied.
?-Nice to meet you too.? He looked at me. I have to admit he was beautiful. Probably the most handsome guy I met in my life. There was something in his face, in his eyes that was attracting me; feeling him near me I felt something. I FELT. I almost forgot what was that like.
?-You are the last person I expected to see here? ? I said slowly ?? when I saw you, I thought I was already dead and in heaven.?
?-Is that suppose to flatter me?? I felt sarcasm in his question. Reasonable one, I would say.
?-I donīt know; does it flatter you? After all, you are every womanīs dream guy.?
?- Am I your dream guy as well?? He laughed again. But his laughing was sad in a way.
?-Of course you are not.? I replied. There he was, standing right in front of me, and he was so lost and so sad.
?-You see? I am no dream guy at all, trust me.? He took a deep breath and then he continued slowly ?-It shouldnīt be like this, you know? Nothing should be like this, I shouldnīt be here and neither should you. I donīt know how things should be, but they shouldnīt be like this.?
?- Then, Iīll repeat my question ? why are you here??
?I didnīt know where else to go.?
?-Do you believe in God?? I needed to know. Although his answer didnīt matter to me. I just felt the need to ask that. I suppose people think of God when they are close to death.
?-I donīt know. I do believe in something.?
?-Like what? Santa? Peter Pan? ET?? I was being cynical.
?-Just something. I only hope, when it happens, that it is not empty you know? Just like ...?
?-Just like now?? I got his point. And he was getting mine. He understood. Both of us bounced into silence.
Thoughts were coming in and out of my head. It is pretty hard to describe them ? most of them were my memories, or things that in a way marked my life. But none of them were strong enough to stay in my mind. Like they were just some random, accidental stuff stick to my life like ?post it? papers on the fridge. I didinīt know what was he thinking about, and was he thinking at all. Perhaps he was just staring in the river without thoughts or feelings. But I was thinking about him. Since I couldnīt find anything in my past to hold to, I was left with him. He was only reality for me now.
Having him next to me I realized that everything is not empty. Or at least not empty as I would like it to be. All that I was trying so hard to leave out of my life was catching me now. Everything I was refusing to feel, everything I was trying to forget and ignore. I stopped fighting. And in that moment this feeling of pain was overwhelming me. My heart started to separate. I felt alive again.
?-Are you afraid?? he said after almost half an hour of silence. I didnīt answer right away. Was I affraid?
?-No.? I said ?-No Iīm not afraid.? I felt weakness in my knees. ?- Iīm terrified actually.?
?-So am I.? he replied almost soundless.
He took my hand. His touch was soft and warm. We stayed like that for a while. I couldnīt say exactly for how long. It was almost dawn. Vanilla fog that was spreading across that spot of the horizon where river touched the sea was a clear sign of the day that was just braking.
I looked down. The river wasnīt dark anymore. Its face was blure blue. I closed my eyes. I was still holding his hand. My life flew in front of me. And my life turned out to be this moment now. I was gratefull that I was blessed with him in it. I felt for a second my world was whole again. If you asked me did I consider myself a happy person, in that moment I would say yes. And my time came.
I smiled and took a deep breath. I couldnīt see him but I felt somehow he did the same.
THE END
