The Yin and Yang of Life
I have lived my life believing the best in people. I've always known in my heart that when those who populate this earth with me are faced with a decision between good and evil, they will always choose good. However, once others are thrown into the mix, things start to change. I've based my entire belief system on these facts, though in reality I'm starting to believe what I wished and hoped and knew was true is in fact false. In the shear pressure of choosing wrong or right, I've found that people chose a path somewhat in between, myself included in this.
The line between good and evil is fine, but somehow humans have learned how to walk that line. Of course some will falter to darkness, and others will take the higher road in hopes of changing the rest of society. However, the rest of the population have learned the balancing act of knowing just how far to go.
I myself have always been one to stay on the white side of this yin and yang. I describe it that way only because I truly believe that there has to be good and evil in this world in order to keep the balance of these things. However, what I do I have a hard time understanding is those people on the other side of the line, and I'm sure they don't understand who I am and what I stand for. You see its the people of the world who get pleasure out of putting others down that break my hope that people really are good.
So here I am stuck on one side of the fence not only trying to understand my counter parts but in return trying to teach them about who I am as well. Its a sticky situation but in the end I hope that I will figure out just how these two types of people can get along.
if there is one thing my counterparts should know its that I don't want to take what you say wrong, I don't want to get upset, and I wish I were like you in the way that you can just shake anything anyone says to you off. But alas, I cant. You see, I consider myself a pure heart (not that you aren't) and with that comes the fact that I don't know how to be mean. Honestly, I don't. I've tried but in the end I'm always the one apologizing for the mistake, even if I meant every word I said.
Those people who can be mean and can say things that stick are hard for me to grasp. Even if the said words were meant to be a joke, in the end they were still said and it eats at me. I can shake it off for a good period of time but after awhile its not funny anymore because every word that comes from their mouths stay in my brain until it consumes me.
I think a lot of my issues with those on the darker side of things is that every thing seems to be personal to them. I know that I very well might be "too sensitive" as it is, but I've noticed a big difference in the jokes between the two groups. Where as I may joke through a concept or a broad topic, those on the other side of the circle seem to always make things personal. Instead of making a vague observation, the terms "you and your" are thrown around far too often for my comfort.
You see when those of you who do choose to judge "jokingly" or even if it isn't a joke, its this constant personalization of these jokes that start to hurt. I'm not too sensitive by any means, I can take a joke and I can also give it out. However, when I feel personally attacked, especially by those who know me the most, of course I'm going to recoil and put a guard up next time. My silence isn't anger, it's not hurt, its not pain, but rather its a defense mechanism I use to brush those sometimes hurtful jokes off. So please, next time it happens don't ask if the other person is mad or even tell them not to get mad, that only makes the situation worse.
Now, I know this whole time I've left out a third kind of person. the people who walk the fine line between yin and yang. I like to call those people the "dot" people, representing the opposite colors in both the yin and the yang. these people can sway either way depending on the person, the situation, or their mood. These people can walk on the light side for most of their lives but have the ability to defend themselves without a guilty conscious. On the other hand, they can be counted as those on the dark side and yet can surprisingly show true compassion and care. These people are the true balance of the world. Without them, society would probably never understand each other.
I date one of the people who sit in the middle of things and without him, I would be a walking door mat. He pushes me to understand that though my big heart and open mind is something to value, sometimes defending myself, no matter if it hurts the other person is okay and it helps me from becoming more hurt and more down. Within 9 months of us being together I have seen myself grow more as a person than I ever had without him in my life. I've learned that I can't just get down and give up when the going gets tough with a person. I now hold my head higher and have moved close to that grey area where he lies.
In the end I will never be anything other than who I am. As much as the "dot" people in my life help me gain focus on where they are, the truth remains that I never want to be one of them. I like having a stand in things. I like being on one side of the fence and staying there. I take pride in being a person in this world who gives hope to those around me. I like being one of few people in this world who still chooses to be kind even at the darkest moments of their lives. Others may tell me I'm too sensitive, but I just believe that they are too heartless, that they still need to learn about themselves.
Though my foundation has been shaken to the core many times in my life, I will always hold on tightly to my optimistic ways. I know that I have a lot to learn from those different from me and being the optimist that I am, I embrace those who are different from myself. I hope from all of this all groups of people in the world can understand what its like to be in someone else's situation or at least notice the differences in the other's way of thinking. If those of us who are tagged as "too sensitive" can understand that we aren't being personally attacked, then those across the isle can understand that maybe we aren't the people to provoke in such a manner. Maybe they can understand that the problem isn't always external, where as myself and the others like me can resolve our internal issues.
