30 November 08
Dearest Cristiano...
Where are you? And why, I wonder as I sit alone in a darkened house is this destiny that I can't be with you?I don?t know the answer to these questions, no matter how hard I try to understand. The reason is plain, but my mind forces me to dismiss it and I am torn by anxiety in all my waking hours. I am lost without you. I am soulless, a drifter without a home, a solitary bird in a flight to nowhere. I am all these things, and I am nothing at all.
This, my darling, is my life without you. I long for you to show me how to live again.I think of you, I dream of you, I conjure you up when I need you most. This is all I can do, but to me it isn?t enough. It will never be enough, this I know, yet what else is there for me to do? If you were here, you would tell me, but I have been cheated of even that.Is it possible that you know how I feel without you?I moved through life without meaning, without reason. I know that somehow,every step I took since the moment I could walk was a step toward finding you. We were destined to be together,But now, alone in my house, I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless her, and I find myself wondering why,out of all the people in all the world I could ever have loved I had to fall in love with someone who I could never belong to...Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face,I know it is an impossibility, but I cannot help myself. My search for you is a never ending quest that is doomed to fail.There will never be another to replace you,You,and you alone,have always been the only thing I wanted but you are not here with me,I have no desire to find another,till death do us part,my heart will always be with you,??until the day comes when I am taken from this world.? I simply drift along like the letters I write you. I do not know where I am going or when I will get there.In a world that I seldom understand,You, my darling, are the wind that I did not anticipate, the wind that has gusted more strongly than I ever imagined possible. You are my destiny.I?ve come to realize that you are the most important thing that I have in this world.I know I am not perfect But most of all, I was wrong to deny what was obvious in my heart: that I can?t go on without you,I need you like the earth needs the rain and a dolphin needs the oceans.Maybe I?m too late now. I don?t know.I love you and always will.I miss you every morning that I could wake up and every night that I don?t sleep, I wait each day in anticipation,hoping only,just a second in space and time,to feel close to you,to stare at your blinding eyes ,to listen to your pure voice like a tender lullaby.You are the purity your self as the world needs it most. I am sick and sad without you.
Catherine..
